


a train moving too fast

by monodeuramain



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M, also fluff but mostly angst, also: astrology! woohoo, jjong's past gf is only briefly mentioned don't sweat it, loads of flashbacks and flashforwards, sorry guys i love to cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 09:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11575299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monodeuramain/pseuds/monodeuramain
Summary: It’s the dramatic difference between his friend’s both sides that continues to make Kibum insecure of where he and Jonghyun stand.(or how Key and Jjong have dealt with their peculiar friendship through the years)





	a train moving too fast

When Kibum first heard him, Jonghyun was bragging. It was at a get together during his trainee days when the newbie claimed to impersonate Michael Jackson to perfection, and belted Pretty Young Thing’s chorus like no one’s business, random adlibs in between and all. By the time he was done, almost the whole room was cheering him on to keep singing. Kibum couldn’t actually see the boy since he was too busy picking what to have for dessert that night, but he would’ve sworn at least his voice looked golden.

“Do you need help with that?”

The voice that brought him back to Earth was buttery and didn’t rise above a mumble like the one before. Of course, since he was still astonished by the trainee’s talent, Kibum had forgotten about the dish he was trying to build a moment ago. He glanced towards the source of the voice and saw a small kid with a bad haircut smugly smiling at him.

“That’s okay, I was just a little distracted by the ruckus behind me,” Kibum giggled at his own silliness and at the other boy’s camo shorts at the same time. “Some voice that kid has, huh?”

“Yeah…” He replied awkwardly. “That kid would be me.”

Kibum froze right when he was going to grab a slice of moon cake. He looked behind himself again. “Oh”

“It’s alright,” The boy said looking down at his shoes. “I’m Jonghyun, by the way”

Kibum didn’t even want to think about it but the thought showed up in his mind regardless; how on earth could those notes come from someone so small? And poorly styled? What kind of agreement with the devil did this boy make to get his talents?

“I’m Kibum,” he blurted out, all of his questions left dormant inside of him.

Jonghyun nodded, smiling. “Are you my senior?”

“Oh… well… I don’t know…” The other boy replied scratching his head. “How old are you?” He really didn’t know but kept on addressing him as his junior.

“16,” he replied smiling wider.

Kibum froze again. Of course this tiny person was his eldest. He bowed dramatically as soon as he regained his composure. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Wait, so you’re saying I’m your senior?” Jonghyun interrupted, almost stifling his laughter.

“Yes… I’m one year younger-”

“Oh cool!” He finally acknowledged and patted Kibum on the back, making the other stand up properly. “Well… I’ll see you around,” Jonghyun bowed nonchalantly before stepping away.

“Wha-” The other boy uttered confused again, and even though he didn’t seem to notice his behavior, Jonghyun rejoined him just a beat later.

“Before I forget, the moon cake is quality stuff, you won’t regret cheating your diet with it.”

Kibum dropped his plastic plate absentmindedly as he observed the kid –his senior walking off to chat with another newcomer. He didn’t think of food for the rest of the evening.

*

That night Kibum told his mother what happened. Some nerve he had, that Jonghyun! He finds out he’s his senior and all of a sudden has the credentials to boss him around? Telling him what to eat? No amount of talent can justify such manners, especially when he’s dressed like that. His mother tried to console Kibum by suggesting to just ignore his mate for some time. But truth be told, he was just as embarrassed as he was curious about his fellow trainee. Kibum worked really hard yet he still struggled to make his talent rise, and it seemed like Jonghyun was just born as a diamond in the not so much rough. He wondered what it was like to be so sure of oneself.

His mother stopped doing the dishes to ponder her son’s query. “Well… what sign is he?”

“Mom-”

“You know that star signs aren’t all about predicting one’s future but also dictating one’s personality,” she reminded Kibum for the thousandth time.

“Those are superstitions,” Kibum countered for the thousandth time as well.

“The next time you see him ask him his sign!” She ordered to end the conversation.

No matter how much he didn’t want to Kibum still mumbled a ‘yes, mom’.

*

Kibum technically lied to his mother. The boy wasn’t so much embarrassed anymore as he was being paranoid that Jonghyun talked about him behind his back. And because he felt demeaned next to this weird kid, confrontation didn’t seem like the best way of solving the issue. So he purposefully learnt Jonghyun’s schedule to avoid most of the activities where he could’ve encountered him, and aside for some minor inconveniences for a couple months it worked out just fine.

On a rare occasion where Kibum was going to take a quick shower in the company before going home, he overheard Jonghyun a couple steps ahead of him. Naturally, he turned on his heel to hide inside an empty practice room. Once he was safe, Kibum sighed. Why was he being such a chicken? Surely since Jonghyun didn’t seem offended the first time they awkwardly met he wouldn’t be a terrible person this time around either, right? Or maybe Kibum didn’t actually need to shower there. He could just go home instead. _Don’t be a coward_ , he insisted internally. Finally he resolved to move as fast as he could inside the bathroom, only to bump into Jonghyun as he was walking out of it.

“Hi,” his elder smiled. Apart from his face, almost everything about Jonghyun had changed. His hair was longer and shinier than the last time they met, and his body alone demanded attention despite his short height. Kibum wondered what kind of workout routine they gave him to have such results in so little time.

Kibum returned an awkward smile. “Hey”

Jonghyun raised one eyebrow. “Were you waiting for me?”

“Oh… no I just…” He fumbled with the strap of his bag thinking of a believable lie. “A friend is using the toilet so I was… waiting behind”

“Right,” Jonghyun nodded and wouldn’t keep his eyes off Kibum, which made him not move or say anything for a good beat. “So… what’s up?”

Kibum lied again. “I was actually hoping I’d see you today because… I want to apologize for what happened when we met-”

“Nothing happened, don’t worry about it,” the other boy interrupted coolly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Bum,” Jonghyun stopped himself and looked distraught for the first time since they met. “You don’t mind that I call you that, now do you?”

Kibum shrugged but internally wondered why he gave him a nickname. “It’s alright, my parents also call me that sometimes.”

Jonghyun nodded again and looked for resolution in Kibum’s eyes. “So are we good?”

“Sure,” the other shrugged again.

“Great,” Jonghyun smiled and Kibum was about to part when he spoke again. “Are you busy right now? Do you want to grab some tea?” He asked barely breathing in between each word.

Kibum was shocked. Why did Jonghyun want to hang out with him? “No, I’ve already finished my chores for today,” he only managed to reply to half of what the other boy asked.

“So is that a yes?” He guessed.

Kibum smiled a bit. “Why not?”

*

“Is your friend still in the bathroom?”

Kibum shot a confused look at Jonghyun. “Who?”

Jonghyun laid down the tray of steaming plastic cups before sitting down next to Kibum. “It’s alright, you’re not a very good liar. I’m not either,” he admitted smiling.

The other turned a light shade of pink. “Thank you,” Kibum mumbled grabbing one of the cups and drinking away his newfound embarrassment. A change of topic would be nice right about now. “So… have you always wanted to be an idol?”

Jonghyun sighed, picking at the border of his cup. “Not really. I don’t now, either.”

Kibum was puzzled again. “Then… how come you’re training for it?”

Jonghyun looked down at the table before deciding to come clean. “Truth be told, my family is very poor and this could be our saving grace,” He drank a sip of his tea for a dramatic pause. “I’m average at best in school, but I’ve been told I got a talent and I plan to excel at it if that’s what guarantees a better life for my mother and my sister.”

“But… do you enjoy your talent?” Kibum questioned trying to understand him.

“Oh sure I do, it’s just _my_ motivations are not the focus right now,” Jonghyun casually stated as he observed Kibum. “Of course I want to work hard and learn new things. I mostly aspire to be a songwriter, but it’s a goal that I can’t accomplish before my family is secured,” he finished simply.

“Wow,” now it was Kibum’s turn to avoid Jonghyun’s gaze. “You sound like a grown-up,” he muttered.

Jonghyun cackled a bit too loud and a bit too squeaky, but Kibum decided he liked the sound. “Thanks?” He took another sip of tea and watched the other boy intensely again. “Have _you_ always wanted to be an idol?” He asked mockingly.

Kibum bit his thumbnail, unsure of anything he could say because it would probably not top Jonghyun’s speech. “I’m not sure if I have, but I enjoy performing more than anything. I’m not the most active guy I know, but I’ve loved dancing for as long as I can remember. I like singing too.”

And then Kibum started chuckling for no good reason.

Jonghyun was frowning yet seemed amused at the same time. “Why are you laughing?”

“I guess my motivations are very egotistical,” Kibum admitted looking away.

“That’s valid too,” he replied unfazed.

“Thanks hyung,” he smiled back at Jonghyun. That’s when his mother’s voice started ringing inside his head, begging to know the other boy’s sign. “When’s your birthday?”

“Do you want to give me a present?” Jonghyun nearly laughed.

“No I just… I’m becoming interested in astrology recently, is all,” Kibum lied for the third time that day. “I wanted to know your sign.”

“Oh. Well you could’ve just asked! I’m not picky about those things,” he laughed briefly but then changed his demeanor to ponder. “Hm… I think I’m an Aries. I was born 040890. That’s Aries season right? You’re the expert,” Jonghyun asked back elbowing Kibum.

“Yeah, I think so,” he smiled awkwardly.

“So what are you going to do with such precious information from me now?” The other asked leaning on his hand and meeting Kibum’s eyes.

He cleared his throat and masked his discomfort with sarcasm. “Just gonna run some scientific tests to see if we match, the usual.”

“You’re funny,” Jonghyun smiled again and so did Kibum. Suddenly the latter remembered he didn’t pay him for the tea, so he started fumbling with his bag to find his wallet. Once it was in sight, Jonghyun wrapped his hand around Kibum’s wrist to stop him.

“Keep it, it’s my treat,” he assured him, but Kibum looked down, confusing Jonghyun. “What is it?”

“I don’t want to be rude again but… can you afford it?”

“Oh…” was all Jonghyun could say back.

“I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” Kibum apologized looking up at him.

“Don’t worry,” he reassured him. “You’ll pay next time.”

*

Kibum has been friends with Jonghyun ever since, only becoming closer when they were put together in the same group. And looking back to when he reluctantly followed his mother’s advice and researched Jjong’s personality based on his star sign, Kibum thinks it was far too silly. Borderline creepy, though he wouldn’t admit that out loud.

Yet the results he’d completely disregarded at the time are almost identical with what he’s come to know about Jonghyun’s character thus far; he’s unapproachable sometimes and loves to brag when he gets the chance, but he’s also far too reliable and sensitive to most human behavior. And it’s the dramatic difference between his friend’s both sides that continues to make Kibum insecure of where he and Jonghyun stand. Because he acts like he’s an open book, and at the same time Kibum doesn’t recall him telling any of the other members half the stuff he’s confided him.

Sure, Kibum hadn’t gone through the best friend experience before they met, but he’d always been secretly concerned that Jonghyun’s oversharing was a sentiment for something underneath his self-possessed surface. Not to mention that his member’s skin ship towards him made him lose his mind. Normally Kibum could easily distinguish putting on an act from showing affection because someone means to, but since they debuted Jonghyun made sure to play both ways and all of the others in between.

Kibum had lost count of how many times Jonghyun had gone too far the last time he stormed into his room.

“Yah! What is this?” he exclaimed, tossing a cd case at Jonghyun’s head.

His hyung was lying in bed and re-reading Lady Windermere’s Fan for the millionth time when the object hit him. Needless to say, he was confused as he picked it up to look at it. “My… album?”

“You’ve done it again,” Kibum stated ignoring him.

“Okay, I’m lost,” Jonghyun said putting the book and the cd down to cross his arms. “What are you angry about?”

“What on earth are those lyrics?” the younger one yelled again, annoyed at how unfazed Jjong seemed. “If you’ve written about me again I swear to Jesus Christ-”

Jonghyun scoffed. “You’re not the center of the Earth, Kibum”

“No insult to me is going to save you out of this one, but I appreciate the effort,” he spat back at him. “Why do you keep doing this?”

“Why do you think it’s about you?” Jonghyun asked back, looking down at his book.

“Oh, do you want me to give you a dramatic reading? I’d be more than delighted to,” Kibum said, his tone and manners drenched in sarcasm. Jonghyun bit his lip and continued pretending to read. “Why do you insist on doing this?”

“I don’t pick the songs, you know?” Jonghyun finally sat up as he tried to defend himself, arrogance written on his features. “The producers liked it and-”

“Oh, give me a break,” Kibum sounded even more irritated. “I didn’t mind when you penned Symptoms, in fact I really liked that song; but it didn’t make us look cute when you decided to freaking serenade me on live radio. Which is why we agreed for the group’s sake to put an end to these shenanigans, remember?”

Jonghyun kept on staring at the paper, unsure of how to make this up to his friend. “No one’s gonna know-”

“Why did you write this?” Kibum ignored him and the fact that he was on the verge of anger induced tears. “Why would you say such things when it’s not the truth?”

He sighed and didn’t meet Kibum’s eyes as he confessed. “It was… I scribbled it on an especially rough night, I… I couldn’t make it to one of your cast parties because of my show and I knew the guy you fancied at the time was going to be there,” Jonghyun hesitated as his restless hands messed with the strings of his ripped up jeans. “I know I’m not a good person. But I didn’t slander you, in fact I did my best to show how rotten I am inside”

Kibum sat down next to his friend. “But you don’t have feelings for me, Jjong,” he argued. “You’re just mad because I don’t care about you anymore”

“I’ve thought the same thing for a while,” Jonghyun admitted gazing at Kibum. “But do you realize how long we’ve spent pretending? Making everyone believe we want to get in each other’s pants? It was going to mess with my head eventually,” he paused, completely aware of the shit show his next words would cause. “I know it’s happened to you, too”

Indeed, it was the straw that broke the glass. “I don’t want to have this conversation again,” Kibum declared as he got up and went straight to the door.

He didn’t expect Jonghyun to follow right behind. “But we have to. I still miss you”

“There’s _nothing_ to miss. We’ve never been a thing,” he replied through his teeth as he turned back to scrutinize Jonghyun. “I can’t believe we’re talking about this. I got over it, you need to do it too”

Kibum almost regretted his plea as he saw tears well up in Jonghyun’s tiny orbs. “I can’t”

*

It’s 2 am and Jonghyun has been gone since lunch. A sleep deprived Kibum desperately wants to believe that no matter what Jjong’s going through he will return because they’re in the middle of promotions, dammit. What could be upsetting him so much that he just disappeared without a warning? Just when he’s considering to call him, he gets a text from the escapee.

‘Did I wake you?’

‘No’ ‘Where the hell are you?’ Kibum types back the separate messages in record time.

‘I’m sorry, I’m about to drive home,’ came the almost instant reply. ‘Are the other members awake too?’

Kibum bit his nail before answering. He’s probably overreacting right? Jjong’s gonna tease him endlessly for worrying so much. ‘No, just me hyung’ ‘Don’t laugh’ he warns, but secretly he expects his friend to do just that; instead Jjong stops replying altogether. Something’s definitely not right.

Quiet padding inside the dorm woke Kibum up. “Hyung?”

Jonghyun sighs defeated realizing his attempt at being discreet failed. “Sorry I woke you, Bummie”

“Where were you? You know we have to get up early tomorrow,” Kibum blurts out before giving it much thought.

“I can’t say”

“Why not?”

“Our manager-hyung’s gonna talk to all of us in the morning,” Jonghyun replies, anxious to stop talking.

Kibum eventually sits up, glaring at his friend. “Why are you suddenly being so secretive with me?”

“You know that I like to keep to myself,” Jjong counters.

“With everyone except me!” the younger one raises his voice just enough so the other members can’t hear him from their rooms.

Jonghyun stares disheartened at Kibum as he sits next to him on the bed. “Key-”

“What’s so serious that you don’t dare telling me?” He insists.

“I’m… I don’t know how you’ll react,” Jjong rubs a hand on his face and gazes downward where he can’t see Kibum judging him.

“I… I’ve been dating someone… for a couple weeks…”

Kibum freezes. He knew this would happen eventually. It’s how life works. He thinks he remembers some news outlet calling Jonghyun one of the nation’s most sought after bachelors. Or maybe he’s making it up. Either way, it’s okay, it makes sense. Not as much sense as the bile rising up his throat.

“Bum?”

“Who is it?” He finally asks, staring at the wall in front of him.

Jonghyun is also looking away when he replies. “An actress. She’s… we met… ah, it doesn’t matter,” he stays quiet for one beat too many. “Are you angry?”

“No,” he replies immediately. “I mean… why would I be?”

His friend meets his gaze again. “I don’t know. I don’t really know why I asked,” Jonghyun admits.

“Okay,” Kibum replies not breaking eye contact with Jjong. They always end up playing this stupid blinking game which drives him freaking nuts. So he lies down on the bed again to make it stop. “Well… congrats,” he mutters half-heartedly.

“I… need you to know I didn’t plan any of this…” Jonghyun starts again, not moving from his spot on his friend’s bed. “I’ve been hearing what they say about me. Reading what they write… about us”

Kibum immediately knew that he wasn’t talking about the group. He looks up at his friend. “The two of us?” Jjong nods. “What does that have to do with it?”

“I don’t want to give the wrong idea. I don’t have a problem with… men who love other men… but that’s not me,” he chuckled awkwardly. “We do that for the cameras, right? You know this better than me,” Jonghyun insisted, mostly reassuring himself.

“Right,” Kibum replied weakly.

“So I met Sekyung and we got along and… I mentioned her to one of our managers and they suggested it. I figured if they endorsed it things would be normal from now on,” Jonghyun didn’t sound convinced with his own words. “You’re still mad at me,” it wasn’t a question.

“I’m certainly not happy, hyung”

“But why? I told you the motives behind this… It’ll be over before you know it”

Kibum wasn’t sure if Jonghyun’s reasons behind it or the lengths he was willing to go to be a confirmed straight man carried much weight to him. What distressed him was how much the PR stunt upset him. He knew fan service was a crucial part of the glistening idol package, what it comprised and why it mattered. However, let’s just stress here how convincing Jonghyun was at the whole thing. Eventually that kid found the way to crack him, and it just turned out that when Kibum was genuinely giving in to his charms, Jonghyun was indifferent.

At first the younger one didn’t mind and kept pushing it under the excuse that the fans enjoyed it the most. But ultimately he came to the realization that he was actually craving for this façade to come to life. Despite being aware of the fake nature of their public interactions, he would constantly think of him and Jjong being an item, even if by the time they were back in their dorm each of them minded their own business. For a while Kibum was convinced that he’d just fallen for this persona. That was until it started dating someone.

“Bummie?”

Jonghyun looked desperate and far too handsome which did no help to Kibum’s already scattered brain. “I don’t think… I can be reasonable right now. Or as long as you’re someone’s boyfriend,” he began, already feeling vulnerable. “I got caught up in this farce we’ve been playing and now I can’t discriminate my true feelings from who I am in public. So… for my sake and yours I won’t approach you for any other purposes besides work until you… ‘Break up’”

His bandmate was at a loss for words when Kibum was done. None of the hundred scenarios Jonghyun made up in his mind on the way home were as miserable as the one his friend just offered. For one he would’ve never imagined the self-proclaimed Almighty Key having feelings for anyone but himself. Beyond that, Jonghyun thought his own feelings were unrequited before Kibum’s revelation.

“Can you live with that?” Kibum broke the extended silence.

A chorus of no’s started banging in Jjong’s mind. “Yes”

Kibum nodded and laid down giving his back to Jonghyun’s. “Night, hyung”

*

As the group’s van drove to their first activity the next day, Kibum decided to put an end to his ridiculous thoughts. This had nothing to do with him questioning his sexual orientation and everything to do with his pride. Of course he couldn’t have feelings for Jonghyun. He wasn’t even on board with gay people on the first place. How could Kibum date someone two-faced like that? He furiously typed his friend’s name on the celebrity search bar of his favorite astrology website to run a compatibility test with his own profile. He knew how petty it was, but the accuracy of their descriptions always cleared the air for Kibum when he couldn’t get out of his own head.

‘Rating: 60.55%

Your relationship is a realistic challenge under the condition that you commit to pushing through the hardest times, as well as your character and ideological differences. As you conquer these grounds, you definitely have all the potential needed to make a wonderful couple.’

Not the most encouraging result.

*

A year after the songwriting incident, they were going through a somewhat unspoken truce. Mostly due to the fact that neither Kibum nor Jonghyun brought up the issue again, even when the latter released another album with songs that were also rumored to be about Kibum. But the younger one had spent far too long convincing himself not to mess with the ashes of a romance that never existed.

If Jonghyun and he were in fact fit for each other, things would’ve worked out for them to be together at some point. But they never did. They continued to have separate lives when they didn’t participate in band activities, and Kibum knew it was better that way. Plus, he was pretty okay with being Jonghyun’s friend. To shift the nature of their relationship after almost 12 years of knowing each other was pointless. And yet, it was exactly what Jonghyun was attempting to do.

Kibum paid no mind at first, dismissing Jjong’s efforts to grab his attention at their shows for an intensified version of the fan service he always did. But somewhere along the way his childish antics on stage came paired up with softer touches and glances that Kibum hadn’t gotten from him in a long time. Maybe ever. He played the part of being okay with Jonghyun’s behavior, until it eventually became too much and brought him back on square one. Kibum started second guessing every one of his moves, every caress that went on for too long, every time Jjong’s eyes shone a little too bright in his direction.

The worst part was that, as per usual, this performance wouldn’t carry on to their private time together. If Kibum were to search for Jonghyun’s on-stage warmth on a night out with the rest of the band, or even during rehearsals before a show, he would get only unassuming smiles in return, a pat on the back if his hyung was feeling generous.

“You’re quiet,” Jjong stated. The other members had stopped practicing to go out and buy a dish that Minho was craving, unintentionally making the pair spend quality time together. Yippee.

“Hmm”

“What’s going on?”

“I’m reading my horoscope,” Kibum said as he looked deeply into his phone.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes and sat next to his member on the floor. “I didn’t mean what you’re up to, but why you’re acting this way”

“In what way?” he asked in a monotone.

“Bummie… you haven’t said one word to me since we flew here”

“I’m talking to you now, aren’t I?” he inquired sarcastically.

“Did I do something to upset you?” Jonghyun asked back feeling irritated.

“I just can’t keep up with your behavior towards me, that’s all,” Kibum admitted.

His bandmate frowned. “I’m not following”

“It’s alright, we don’t need to talk about it”

“But…” Jonghyun attempted, squinting at the tension that was already forming in his head. “If I’m the source of any anxieties for you then I’d like to know what to do to not cause you that”

Kibum sighed. “How about you start by not groping me or staring at me when you know damn well that no one will catch you,” he grumbled, still not looking at his member.

He didn’t have to see him to know Jonghyun was shocked. “I… I’m sorry, I didn’t know it bothered you”

“Well, now you do,” Kibum finished simply though he knew Jonghyun wouldn’t drop it without a fight.

“But we always do that…” Jjong argued a beat later. “You know, for the fans”

A bitter chuckle escaped Kibum’s lips. “Not the way you’re playing the game this time,” he accused as he put the phone down and his eyes on Jonghyun’s. “There’s a glaring difference between mock kissing someone like Jinki and Minho just did the other night, and when you purposefully look at the screen to make sure we’re not being filmed and pinch me in the back or some shit”

“B-but-”

“And you _only_ do it on stage too,” Kibum interjected. “You’re the one that ignores me half the time behind the scenes. And honestly you can’t have it both ways, hyung. You either care for me or you’re just an awful person”

They were playing that damn blinking game again and neither of them could bring themselves to look away for a good half minute.

“You know that I care for you,” Jonghyun finally admitted.

Kibum was the first to dart his eyes somewhere else. “Then why do you act that way?”

“I was just… foolishly trying to provoke a reaction out of you,” he replied following his member’s gaze.

But then they were back to the stare contest. “To prove what?”

Jonghyun sighed, feeling helpless as ever. “Whether you had feelings for me still or not”

Even though Kibum knew the reply that would follow his question even before he asked it, he still felt the weight of an entire solar system drop on his weakly little body. And yet, he pretended nothing was wrong.

“You could’ve just asked,” he finally blurted out, reminiscing their first real conversation. “I’m not picky about those things”

Jonghyun smiled fondly at the reference, hope written all over his face. “Well… do you?”

Kibum couldn’t look him in the eye when he confessed. “I… don’t know”

“Oh,” was all Jjong managed.

“It’s not your fault, it’s… no one’s fault, really. I’m just confused,” Kibum rushed to clear up. Every time this subject came up he wasn’t able to word his feelings the right way. And his bandmate’s freshly dyed pink hair wasn’t doing his thought process any favors either. So he just watched him longingly for a couple seconds before starting.

“You’re so damn hard to read, Jonghyun-ssi,” he acknowledged. “Every time I think we’re on the same page it turns out that I’m three chapters behind,” Kibum paused before getting to the issue that hurt him the most. “I’ve never known for sure whether or not any of the things you’ve written about me are true or they’re built up on spite”

Jonghyun could sense his resentment like it was a product of his own heart, since it was the result of his many years of irresponsible behavior. So he reached out for Kibum’s hand as he spoke to accentuate how open he meant to be.

“I don’t think it’s my place to go on a rant here since I’ve bared all of my feelings out in the open for everyone to hear already”

Kibum blinked at the awkward pause and Jonghyun’s unexpected touch at the same time. “But?”

“But… I’ve been sincere,” he resumed staring deeply into Kibum’s eyes. “It’s been over a decade since we crossed paths and I’m yet to meet anyone else that could cause the impact you’ve had on me, Kibum,” Jonghyun paused, sinking his head to hide the blush that creeped up his cheeks. “And that was before you had a decent skincare routine, too,” he joked once he felt the heat dissipate. Kibum cackled harder than he had in months.

Jonghyun smiled and delicately squeezed the other’s hand before continuing. “I’ve been awful, I know that. But I’m willing to own and make up for all of my faults if you want me”

Kibum’s expression soured. He was still undecided. “Why do you want me now? Why couldn’t you offer any of this before?”

“It’s been a long journey for me to accept myself, Bum,” he bit his lip. Kibum already knew all about it and tried to be as involved as he could in Jjong’s self-discovery, going as far as to set him up on dates with guys whenever he could.

“Not only did I think I was straight when you told me your feelings, but I felt unworthy of having someone like you in my life, as a best friend or otherwise. It’s different now; it no longer feels like a competition between us. You complement me,” Jonghyun shrugged like what he just said was an understatement.

“That’s funny,” Kibum marked sadly.

“What is?”

Kibum bit the thumbnail of his free hand before owning up. “The only reason I’ve been obsessively reading up on both of our signs since we met is because I’ve always been envious of you”

Jonghyun remained silent for too long. If Kibum didn’t feel him continuously stroking his hand he would assume he had fled the room.

“Are you still?” his member finally asked.

The younger one’s insecurity had been a predominant flaw in his character since the beginning of his career, though he was pretty good at disguising it. But his self-deprecation did nothing to prevent him from loving and looking up to Jjong.

“I’m not as envious as I’m fascinated with the way your mind works, or curious to know the source of your talents,” Kibum stopped himself, unsure that he’d reveal too much with his next sentence. “Or whether we’re good for each other or not”

To say Kibum seemed uneasy would be a redundancy. Jonghyun knew how much he loathed to show this side of himself, even to him, so he tightened his grip on Kibum’s hand before the latter talked again. “What if I don’t want you? Will you make up for your mistakes then or is a romantic relationship the main condition for you to acknowledge them?”

Jonghyun hesitated. “I’ll try to patch things up between us whether we date or not”

Kibum hid his head behind his now bent up knees. “It’s not the best timing. You know that, right?”

“But there’s never a good timing, is there?” Jjong asked back, a defeated smile on his lips.

At that junction, Kibum knew that he had run out of reasons to say no to being with Jonghyun. So instead of arguing any longer, he collected all of the courage and suppressed youthful longing he found within himself to prop up from his hidden place and meet Jonghyun’s lips with his for the very first time. Jjong halted for less than a second before giving in to the much desired contact, the one they’d both been putting off for so long in order to get their act together. There weren’t any fireworks or petals raining from the sky, but to be finally granted with the touch of one another in that ratty old rehearsal room seemed more gigantic than any big cliché.

They only broke apart by the time their lips were getting sore at each other, but even then they melted into a tight embrace.

Jonghyun was the first to say anything. “So is that a yes?” Kibum chuckled before declaring his resolution.

“Why not?”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I've been collecting headcanons about these two like they're stamps since I started loving this band. I hope this wasn't a waste of time.
> 
> As always a big big thank you to [stylnoops](http://archiveofourown.org/users/stylnoops/) for mentoring me through my darkest hours. And thank *you* for reading ofc.


End file.
